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I'm not happy, not in the least. Maeve hasn't answered my owl. Karma sucks hard. Is she not answering me because she's still mourning Nott and needed to be alone or is it something more ? I don't like not knowing. If I don't know what's going on, how am I to know what to do to help? Do I go looking for her? Have I lost that right? Was I gone too long? How bad did I fuck up? I need to drop by and warn Pans. She needs to know that Vin is insane. I have no clue what his game is, but forewarned is forearmed after all. Maybe I'll go this afternoon. I also need to discuss with River the validity of her staying here. And no, it isn't about shagging her. That can wait until we've become more secure in where we're going. Not that I would say no if she jumped me, it's just that I don't want our whole basis to be on shagging. We... we've known each other for years. When I look back, she was usually there with Maeve at Hogwarts. How many times did I tuck those two into bed, pouring hangover potions in them after they'd snuck out to Hogsmeade? How many times did the two of them fall asleep talking in the common room, or Maeve's bed... or mine for that matter? I remember accidentally waking Riv when I whispered her name - someone, I don't recall who - asked what I was doing. I learned that no matter how deeply Riv is sleeping, say her name and she's back awake instantly. It was a mistake I made only once since she jumped and I nearly dropped her. Have I mentioned lately how much I loathe therapy? I know I was broken and stupid for taking the potions even when I knew that addiction was at the end of it. I know that it is something I'll be fighting for the rest of my life. I don't like admitting that. It makes me look weak. I really hate don't like looking weak. Sulley asked how am I to help Maeve if I'm still a bit broken? She doesn't understand. There is no connection between the two. I am still fully capable of watching out for every last person that I care for. Just because I was weak enough to give into the addiction doesn't mean that I am completely broken. I am healing. I know now coming back when I did wasn't the best decision. I wasn't ready, not by half, to face my past. That is the root of everything. It really had nothing to do with anything else, not really. I wasn't prepared for the sense of loss that I felt when I visited Abbs. It was like losing her all over again. Having Mum right there in my line of sight as I relived the loss of my sister was too much for me. EVERYTHING. That is the key. I managed to build a life for myself away from here, away from the memories, the pain, the fear that I'll never prove myself like Mum wanted. I came back too soon. Idiot that I am, I had to prove how strong I was by coming back alone. Maybe, just maybe, if I'd let Lex come with me then I wouldn't have done so many stupid things. Then again, us being us, we'd likely have started a bar brawl just for the amusement factor and then had our arses handed to us by Mac. Though that would be quite amusing- not to mention painful- it wouldn't help. I need want have to find out what is going on with Rave. Lex has no clue and I'm completely in the dark about it which means no one knows what is wrong. Once I get Riv settled in here, and find out where the ruddy hell Maeve is, I'll pop over for a visit. Afjc replied to my owl, saying nothing more than not to worry. Right, uh huh. He knows better. I can't let this go on much longer. I should have gone when Lex showed up with Cherokee and no Raven in tow. Katie replied to my owl. I don't know quite what to do. I did promise to be a friend to her no matter what. Just because she and Fred complete each other totally and completely doesn't mean I have to stay away... does it? Maybe, if I don't screw up, she and I can find some sort of level ground again. I keep my promises to the best of my ability. There is no way bright, cheerful Katie should be hurt by me. I have to find a way to explain that she's done nothing wrong. Even though I saw that I wasn't needed that night, at least I can be a friend... can't I? Should I owl her back? I can't leave her wondering what the hell is going on. I thought they both saw what I did. Is it possible that they don't? I have to think about this... Tags: afjc, alexi, katie, maeve, raven, river, therapy
Current Location: greg's flat
Current Mood:  confused
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What a start to the New Year. I hardly know where to begin. I got an owl. Vin the sick fuck I know who it was from. Don't know what to do about it though. For now I'm going to wait and watch. If he's back it won't take long before he shows himself. I really don't need this shite, not now. I'll gut the bastard if need be. If he knows what's good for him he'll stay far away from me. I know what he is, or should I say how twisted his mind is. Years of living under my father's rule taught me how to spot the signs. Might have to contact Draco's cousin... the Auror... what's her name... Tonks! That's it. I'm sure as hell not going to Potter or his little trainee. Had a bit of a revelation. River. I guess our time in Seattle meant more to both of us than I wanted to acknowledge at the time. I was stupid, then and now. I don't want to fuck this up. Thanks to Maeve, Rave, and Lex we woke up handcuffed together yesterday. If that wasn't enough, they'd put Riv in the dress she wore that night in Seattle. I kissed her, yes KISSED her, at breakfast. I don't want to rush this. It has the potential of being truly important...something special... Must take the time to get to know each other again. Take yesterday, we watched movies all day long, just chatting about what we'd done and where we'd visited between our time in Seattle and now. I'm not sure where were are or where it might go. I'm just content to let it unfold as it will. No being an idiot this time. I should have seen it months ago. Drunk or sober, we've had some fun times (of the non-naked variety) since October. I owled Alexi today. He assured me that Maeve was fine the morning of Riv's birthday. I just wish he had some clue where she was now. This isn't like her at all. I also poked him a bit about Rave. Something was off, and I should have seen it then. It wasn't until today that I finally clued into what had been wrong. I'll owl Rave tomorrow. If he doesn't answer sufficiently then I think a quick trip to NC is in order. I don't like this at all. Not only is Maeve nowhere to be found but Rave is keeping something from me. This isn't right at all. Tags: alexi, maeve, raven, river, tonks, vin
Current Location: Greg's flat
Current Mood:  contemplative
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I don't ever want to live this again. Meave is... broken. Mrs. Nott Flooed and asked Maeve to help her identify the body. Then Maeve's friend Simone was invited along. Maeve truly thought that I would abandon her go to my flat and rest. Holding Maeve up while Simone did the same for Mrs. Nott wasn't the most horrible experience of my life but it is up there near the top. The cold room with Nott laying out on that table... I don't understand why a picture wouldn't have sufficed. At least that is over now. I'm staying at Whittom. Put my foot down actually. There is no fucking way I'm leaving here until I am certain Maeve is better. I wil be owling Riv, Draco, Blaise, and Pansy. They need to know, they are family. Last night, I caught sight of Maeve cuddling Cherokee...wonder if I should owl Rave and see if he has any more pups? She shouldn't be alone here, Whittom is too big and empty. I could train her pup, an extra layer of protection for Maeve. Will have to see over the next couple of days...If Cherokee helps any more- I'll owl Rave. I need to contact him and Lex anyway. If I didn't fuck up my friendship with River too much. Maybe a night at the club will be just what we all need, though I don't see Maeve wanting to go. Hell. Maeve is curled up looking into the fire-drifting... I should try and bundle her up and get her out somewhere, even if it is the grounds. The fresh air will do her good. Maybe I can get Pansy to come visit...or the others, any of them would be welcme faces here. Family needs to stick together at times like these. Are Maeve and I the only ones to remember that or is everyone drifting apart? On a side note, I got a skullcap and cookie from Katie. What am I supposed to do? I didn't send off her gift, wasn't sure if I was giong to or not. Maeve takes top spot for my time right now. SHE needs me. I need to figure out what I fucked up with Riv and fix that as well. Why am I always fucking up? Tags: cherokee, death, holidays, katie, maeve, nott, river
Current Location: Whittom Park
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Having Lex here the other day, even if it was only a few hours, settled me. I hadn't realized how much I missed him, Rave, Afjc, and everyone else back home in America. I should have made plans to visit rather than owling the gifts, which I did this morning. A letter from Rave arrived today with the gifts for River and her brother. If she's going to be around myself and Maeve...well... she needs protecting as does Simon. They both are mine to protect now, though I would hate to be the one to faceRiv's temper. We've a meeting tomorrow...I'm going to give her the choice of becoming my business partner. I am fairly certain she'll accept. She is a Slytherin after all. Raven apologized for pushing me to come back here. Really, like his little pokes and prods made the decision for me - I don't take orders...from ANYONE. At least now that I've regained my sanity good sense. He mentionedLex and Cherokee... I know they meant well and the pup IS fun to have around. I wonder what Simon will make of him, Riv owled and asked if it was all right to bring her brother to our meeting. My reply was simple, of course... I also mentioned Cherokees so she wasn't completely surprised when she arrived to a little ball of fur sliding across the floor. She's told me enough about Simon that I am intrigued. He's got to be as mischievous as Riv, even if he's a Ravenclaw. Afjc sent a gift. He said that it was made specifically for me by one of his friends, from the Nisga’a, Tlinget and Tsimshian Nation, Michael Dangeli. He also sent along a Raven Portrait Mask- pictures and information on both included, and on Michael... I have to give Afjc credit, he does nothing halfway. My collection is growing, I have to wonder if or when I'll ever get Hopi or Navajo art... I had my last counseling session until January today. she is tough, but it is necessary. My nightmares are lessening, and I can't help but think it is a result of the counseling and actually dealing with all the shit I've been ignoring. And fuck all! I came across the gift I bought for Katie- I hadn't found anything I really liked for Fred yet... To send it or not to send it? Hell if I know... Oh hell, I hear Luthien scolding Cherokee... wonder what he got into this time? ( Afjc's gifts )Tags: afjc, alexi, christmas, gifts, raven, river, therapy
Current Location: greg's flat
Current Mood: pensive
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Pansy glared at me a bit this morning. I don't know if it was my snoring or both of our nightmares at fault though. Told her I needed to leave for just about an hour. She gave me one of those knowing looks she perfected about age nine and waved me off. Wonder what Ms. Sulley would say if I told her why I was late and damn it all I know I will be. Damn nightmares. At least I don't think I talked in my sleep this time. Pansy would have asked. I don't feel as worn out as usual. Maybe I'm doing something right. Never have though, would be a nice change. Am pondering if I should warn Blaise about Pansy knowing we visited the Gryff wanker's office. Need to owl NC, wish everyone a happy holiday and send gifts. Might visit since it looks like I'll be alone save for Christmas Eve this year. I miss Alexi and Raven. Damn, I need to go. Didn't mean to be late. This will go over real well. Meeting Pans here, in our suite, when I'm done and then it's off to Milan. Tags: alexi, family, pansy, raven, shopping, therapy
Current Location: The Ritz
Current Mood: contemplative
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